Keep Calm and Carry On.

Pretty much my whole life I was one of those people who let others walk all over me. I don’t like confrontation, nor yelling, or being yelled at. Therefore, I did, and sometimes still do, whatever I need to avoid those situations. Now that I’m an adult and a mother, I have been learning more and more on how to have difficult confrontations and conversations, and keeping my head at the same time. Obviously, my emotions sometimes override and I still lose my cool. I’m not perfect. However, for me to be the one to lose it.. it has to be pretty bad.
On a daily basis, when engaged in conversation, I consciously think about every response. So when Andrew says things to me like, I’m going to go watch the basketball game and have some beers with my brothers, my intial reaction is not, when pigs fly. Instead, I take that 1.5 seconds to think, Okay, he’s had a rough week at work, he really hasn’t gotten to see much of his family recently and I have no plans tonight. There is no reason he can’t go. I then feel good that I didn’t snap into crazy-girl mode and what could have easily turned into an argument, did not.
I literally go through this little process just about everytime I converse with someone beyond the routine chit-chat. When I’m having a conversation, especially one that’s a little heated, I always think about the best way to say my response. I do this because I want the conversation to stay a conversation and not turn to an argument. I also can’t stand yelling. I do not like to be yelled at nor do I like listening to it. I think it’s obnoxious. Lastly, I don’t want to make myself look like an asshole. I’m not going to put myself in an argument when I have nothing to support my stance.
Don’t get personal. Just because you’re mad at him for not doing the laundry like you asked doesn’t mean you get to use it as a dig in an argument that has nothing to do with laundry.
A recent almost-argument happened between Andrew and I. We had to buy a new car recently and we were talking about our options. Our goal, if we had to finance, was to stay under 10k and if we bought outright, under 5k. During the conversation, I told him which one I favored and it happened to be one we would have to finance. So his response to me was to get a job and make the payment then. I have a part time job that works around his schedule and I’m a full time mom who takes care of our house on a daily basis. So my response was, Andrew don’t you ever say that to me again. I work my ass off and you know it. Now, without getting personal, I was only telling you which one I liked. I was not telling you to go buy it. If you don’t like it then say that and we can move on. From that point on the conversation went back to normal, and he later apologized for coming off like a tool. In this instance, instead of firing back and making a big dramatic production over it, I stood up for myself and moved the conversation forward without being a total bitch. I also got an apology. I call that a win. The situation has also been reversed, where Andrew is the one putting me in check. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that we can do that to each other and simply move on from it without animosity. Most of the time. In my opinion, getting personal in an argument is what begins the destruction of the relationship.
Don’t mistake the “forgiving” people as “spineless” beings. Just because you have a backbone doesn’t mean you need to whip it out every time you wake up with a cactus up your ass. When a situation arises, determine whether this is worth the time, energy, and drama of an argument that could easily be resolved with a conversation. It is possible to say what you need to say and then let it go. I do it all the time.
When it’s necessary to have it out, know what you’re arguing about and stick to the facts. Say how you feel without demeaning your opponent. Don’t fall into the trap of anger, especially if the other person is yelling and volatile. Then when the argument ends, they’re left looking like an enraged fool while you walked away looking like an adult.
If it’s an ongoing situation, pick and choose your battles. The ongoing is what I have experience in and I’m good at it. I have a lot of patience. This sort of thing usually goes on with family members, close friends, siblings, etc. Some of the smaller things, like comments being made (depending upon the severity of them) or hearing about something shady they may have said or done to someone else, I usually leave those issues alone for a while. Because, when the time comes that something bigger or more important goes down, I can then effectively argue to what an asshole that person is and I can dig out all those little comments and unpleasantries I let go and tucked away to use for this moment.
When you converse like an adult and show that you’re able to have difficult conversations without blowing your lid, that can encourage and remind others to do the same.
Keeping temper -> a calmer self -> a happier self -> random acts of kindness -> save humanity 🙂